Don’t Be Stupid

It is not the opinion of the No No Project that all signs are evil. Much like guns, signs don’t hurt people — people hurt people! Well, that’s not entirely true. Once, I gave myself a nice head gash by running into the corner of a “30 Minute Parking” sign that was probably at a safe height for someone a foot shorter than I.

Where was I…

Ah yes: not all signs are evil. In fact, some are downright saintly in their practical exhortations:

“DANGER,” this Los Angeles DWP sign exclaims. “Keep Off! Do Not Climb! Hazardous voltage on this structure will shock, burn or kill you.” No pussy-footing around there. And the Jovian lightning bolt certainly teaches the gigantic silhouette a lesson. Or perhaps the illustration isn’t precisely to scale.

“DO NOT FEED THE WILDLIFE,” this sign from the LA Department of Recreation and Parks commands. “VIOLATORS WILL BE CITED $1,000 FINE and/or 6 MONTHS IN JAIL. 43.06.5 LAMC.” So, you know, don’t.

Not feeding animals (whether scary stereotypes or not) is important. It’s dangerous for you and dangerous for them in the long run as they get dependent on humans for their food. Next thing you know, they’re dragging your children off into the bush like dingos do. Reportedly.

Besides, going by the illustration, I’m guessing you shouldn’t feed chocolate chip cookies to wolves any way — assuming chocolate is as harmful to them as it is to their domesticated cousins.

The only real problem with this sign is a question of anatomy. Try holding your hand in the position shown and work out where exactly you are supposed to be standing in relation to the wild animal. Be careful during this re-creation, as you may hurt your wrist.

I’m guessing the person in question took a bite of their cookie then let it hang by their side…where the unidentified canine snuck up for a free snack.

Really, the main message of these signs is “Don’t Be Stupid!” You could save a lot of time, money, and effort on producing endless varieties of signage with a simple “Don’t Be Stupid!”

Another example:

“Please Do Not Use This Gate As An Excercise Apparatus.”

The low-hanging fruit of useless and incorrect capitalization, as well as the “Excercise” typo, I will merely mention in passing.

What strikes me more important is:

1. that many people were using what looks to be a sturdy apparatus to excercise upon,
2. that one or more people took so much umbrage with all that excercising that they contacted the authorities, and
3. the bureaucracy in question took the time to post a sign forbidding excercise altogether.

Seen from another angle, clarity ensues:

My conclusions:

• This gate was built for excercising. Look at it! Hand holds, foot posts, the human dimensions. It could be a piece of playground equipment!
• This makes it the gate’s fault for being so excerciseable.
• The responsible bureaucracy is obviously sign-happy, so it might well have been one irate citizen calling about one excerciser that prompted the sign’s installation.

Once again, a single “Don’t Be Stupid!” could stand in for all the other rules.

But that’s true of a lot of things.

(Thanks to No No Project correspondent Alejandro for the pictures.)